Questions

Is it o.k to pretend to be happy when you really aren't? Is it right to hide your true feelings from someone you love? Is it prudent to turn your face away from what's gnawing you inside and tearing your heart apart, instead of facing it and confronting it with its perpetrator?

I wish I knew the answer to these. I am searching desperately, trying hard. Because, if I pretend to be happy when I really am not and if its to someone I love, am I not, in a sense, deceiving that person? If I am hiding my feelings and not facing my fears and not confronting the root cause, am I not being a coward?

Growing up simply adds questions on top of questions. Most of them don't get answered right away, and when they do, after ages, they get lost in that mess of questions on questions on questions. Its now clear to me, why poets and writers glorify the lost world of childhood. When the most trying thing is to peel an orange or catch a butterfly. Where questions are not introspective and mind boggling, but simple and liberating. Why is the sky blue? Why doesn't it hurt when I get my hair cut? How can we speak to someone on a telephone?

I am an adult and I have those stacked up, pancake questions too. Some of them, I wish I had never had the curiosity to question myself. Some of them, though I know are painful, requiring courage to ask, are the only way of freeing the tangles in my mind.

But the question is - do I have the courage?

Click-Tick-Click-Tick

It takes approximately five steps before the first 'uh oh' pops into my head. Another five and it turns verbal! I can already imagine the agony that is going to be my friend for the rest of the day that I wear these high heeled, super cool, brilliant boots! I go through the day, with 'ow ow ooowwww' constantly punctuating my sentences. I literally fantasize about the time that I can go back home and take them off and walk barefoot...aahh..ecstacy!

New shoes? Shoe bites? First time? - answer to all that - NO!!!

Weird, but I do this at least once every two weeks. The pattern never changes, neither do the reactions and the sore feet. Why, why then do I ever wear heels? And almost every woman who has managed to stuff her feet into the traps of a stiletto knows what I am talking about and will vouch for the efficacy of the repeat folly!

Reasons may vary, but what drives me to wear my boots/heels is not at all to look taller (no matter how high my heels are I could never even manage to be as tall as K, forget taller!). Its a very subtle mix of emotions. The way they make me walk like I own the world, not to mention the smart click-click-clicks! I think heels give class to any outfit, be it skirts, trousers, jeans or even salwars.They are like the coriander garnishing to an excellent dish!

Believe me, given the choice between flat pumps and high heels, I would fall head over heels for the pumps! But, every once in a while (read, once in two weeks!) I get this urge to walk down that road, in those shoes, which make me look like I'm levitating a few inches off the ground!

Still, some people (and even I) wonder, why do we ever wear heels? I guess, this is really one of those aesthetic questions (e.g. why do we pluck out hair from our eyebrows?!) which just cannot be answered!!